8 Kinds of Karens

Carol

(noun); a law-abiding citizen who polices Black bodies in her spare time. Ex: “I was going to teach my social studies class about slavery, but a Carol told the principal I was teaching CRT.” 

Everyone knows a Carol.

If you’ve ever wondered who keeps snitching to your supervisor when you arrive three minutes late to work, it was probably a Carol. If you’ve ever had the police called on you because you look “suspicious,” if you check the 911 tape, it came from a Carol. If you ever received a note on your windshield because you parked in front of someone’s house, that was a Carol. Carols love writing notes.

They are known for being passive-aggressive so, unlike Karens, they don’t respond to criticism by weeping. Instead, they are the first responders who will summon up white tears before they even start their shenanigans. Carols are very sensitive, so they will sometimes fabricate claims of injury.

Carols are usually stay-at-home moms, so they have a lot of extra time on their hands to volunteer with the charity drives, her church’s women’s auxiliary club and the PTA. In fact, anthropologists estimate that Carols are responsible for 69 percent of bake sales, 86 percent of potlucks and 92 percent of all people crying at school board meetings about Critical Race Theory, mask mandates or Black Lives Matter flags.

While those activities may keep the average person busy, Carols spend most of their time not minding their business because they are cursed with a condition that renders them unable to stay in their fucking lane. They don’t live in houses or apartments, they don’t make stuff and they don’t grow things; they live in homes where they do activities like crafting and gardening.

Contrary to popular belief, it’s Carols who want to speak to the manager.

Famous Carols: Bette Midler, Amy Cooper, Meghan McCain, any white woman who heads a committee on a homeowners association.

Identifying Call: “How dare you come into my home…sniff…”