Overcoming American Masculinity to Build a Deep Male Friendship

I remember going to Fleet Farm, a very Midwestern chain that sells agricultural stuff. I saw an image of this man on a John Deere, looking into the horizon that I imagine to be a field of corn or a crop. Just like, This is my land, and I’ll take care of you. And I said, “I have to man up.” I am not that kind of man.

Part of my experience in the States was mimicking what I perceived as being American. For some time, Google Calendar was my life. Abhi still jokes with me, like, “Well, it’s in the calendar; we cannot move it.”

The third stage [of adapting to life in the U.S.] is when you come to terms with who you are as a human being, what your baggage is. Everything intertwines a bit more organically. I’m not American, I’m not Spanish anymore. You are just a mutt that brings a little bit of everything. You try to find yourself and just relate authentically with the environment instead of trying to mimic a poster from Fleet Farm.

Abhinav: When I moved here, I had the same cultural things to learn, like the thing about the calendar. If I asked a colleague for a beer, he would say, “Okay. Let’s meet next Wednesday, 6 p.m.” What? I want to have a beer right now.

I got puzzled, like, Maybe I’m not punctual. Maybe I’m not disciplined enough. Then I meet [Fernando] who has the perspective of being here for the last 10 years, and he has gone through the same phase.

I realized that there is nothing wrong with me. That brought us closer together, because it told us that it’s okay to be yourself with those imperfections, which may not align with this country’s culture.

Beck: Fernando, I know you remarried—was Abhi part of your wedding?

Fernando: When Katherine and I married, we decided that we wanted to get married by ourselves, because my family could not come to the States at that time. We found a chapel, a minister, and we didn’t think that anybody could do a better job at being our witness than Abhi. He is the mirror of my life. The only thing that I felt I needed that day.

Beck: What do you mean he is the mirror of your life?

Fernando: It is important to have somebody to witness who we are and our life, someone who is honest, is critical, that can push back when necessary and support when necessary. Abhi is that for me.

Beck: Abhi, have there been major moments in your life where your friendship with Fernando played that role?

Abhinav: I think the first thing was trying to find my place in a new country, to find a social structure. Fernando gave me a strong footing. The second was exploring this country. He was there to take me through those new things. We went camping. We also learned skiing together.

One significant milestone that happened recently was my struggle in my own marriage. Me and my wife are going through a very tough time. My family and my old friends were telling me exactly what to do. Fernando was the only person who never told me what to do, but he always asked me what I really wanted. Without going into right and wrong, just trying to focus on what I wanted. I found that very comforting.