We Need to Talk About the 'Conservative Republican' Who Wrote a Whole Essay About How he Misses White Privilege Disney World

It’s not very often that I am astonished by the sheer caucasity of white people. I’ve written stories about a white woman claiming to have been called the n-word in school because she has bigger lips than like six other white people; a story about a Republican declaring that the three-fifths compromise wasn’t racist; one about a guy who argued with his entire chest that a Robert E. Lee High School shouldn’t be renamed because “Jesus never condemned slavery”; and I’ve written several articles about white people’s bootleg Braveheart anti-mask revolution that they have insisted is comparable to America’s civil rights movements.

So white people can no longer whitey-shock me easily.

But booooooy, when I tell you I was not prepared for this grown-ass white man who wrote a whole ass white-tears-y-fied essay about how he misses pre-woke Disney World-for-Wypipo and how the changes being made to the theme park in the name of progressivism are fucking with his vibe. Now, Jonathan Vanboskerck is being dragged up and down Lil’ Naz X’s internet all because for reasons I will never understand, the Orlando Sentinel decided to publish his whiny-ass shit titled “I love Disney World, but wokeness is ruining the experience.”

Before we get too deep into the rantings of Tucker Carlson’s stunt double, can I just tell y’all how much I wish white people would scrub the word “woke” from their Columbus-ing-ass lexicons? Remember when it was just a word Black people used to describe being racially and socially aware? I’m not sure when exactly the simple phrasing of “I stay woke” devolved into the flavorless screeching of white conservative nails on a chalkboard, but God, I just want it to stop.

Anyway, let’s get into a few highlights of Vanboskerck’s essay which begins with him humble-bragging about how much of his money Orlando gets because he and his family “have been loyal Disney customers for decades” who vacation at Disney World every year.”

Unfortunately, I am strongly rethinking our commitment to Disney and, thus, Orlando. The more Disney moves away from the values and vision of Walt Disney, the less Disney World means to me. Disney is forgetting that guest immersion is at the core of its business model. When I stand in Galaxy’s Edge or Fantasyland, I know I am in a theme park but through immersion and my willingness to set the real world aside, something magical happens.

That spell is broken when the immersive experience is shattered by the real world. And boy, has Disney been breaking the immersion.

Recently, Disney announced that cast members are now permitted to display tattoos, wear inclusive uniforms and display inclusive haircuts. Disney did all of this in the name of allowing cast members to express themselves.

The problem is, I’m not traveling across the country and paying thousands of dollars to watch someone I do not know express themselves. I am there for the immersion and the fantasy, not the reality of a stranger’s self-expression.

A couple of things:

First of all, the first time I read this shit, I almost threw my phone at the wall in response to all the times this man typed out the word “immersion.” I mean, I’m sure he’s using it in the right context or whatever, but—Jesus, be a thesaurus.

Secondly, please tell me that Ben Shapiro’s favorite rapper hasn’t actually written an essay on how Disney World has caved to overly sensitive snowflakes while he’s clutching his pearls at park employees being allowed to have “inclusive” tattoos, uniforms and haircuts.

What the fuck is an inclusive uniform or haircut? All I can imagine is the opposite of inclusive in this context which would be a Klan robe tucked into swastika suspenders with the hood pulled back to show off the Ken-and-Karen Supercuts special.

Vanboskerck goes on to bitch about how “Disney has been politicizing its business” before dropping what I guess he thought was some kind of bomb.

“Full disclosure: I am a Christian and a conservative Republican,” he wrote.

Sir…

Sir…

Sir…nobody needed this “disclosure.” You really should have opened with that line, but after reading a good two-three paragraphs of this ode to caucasian Mickey Mouse, literally everyone knew this piece was written by the real-life all-grown-up version of Ned Flander’s sons Rod and Todd.

Here’s more:

Disney is in the process of taking the woke scalpel to the Jungle Cruise. Trader Sam is out because he might offend certain people. Every grown-up in the room realizes that Trader Sam is not a representation of reality and is meant as a funny and silly caricature. It is no more based in racism than every Disney caricature of an out-of-touch white American dad.

The next time I ride Jungle Cruise I will not be thinking about the gloriously entertaining puns of the skippers, I will be thinking about Disney’s political agenda. That’s a mood killer.

Does Wonder Bread Tom Cotton not realize that Disney World is mostly for children? Because he just made a whole argument for what “every grown-up in the room” realizes like he goes to the park after hours when it’s past all the children’s bedtime and he can go visit Reverse-Neverland.

And, again, please stop talking about how “certain people” might be offended when you just wrote a thousand-word diary entry on how you can’t enjoy a children’s amusement park without all of the white supremacist nostalgia intact.

Vanboskerck goes on to whine about Disney is replacing the Slash Mountain ride with a theme inspired by The Princess and the Frog in order to promote diversity while getting away from the ride’s association with the racist AF “Song of the South.”

He also complained about “changes to Pirates of the Caribbean over the years” without specifying what those changes were. (I’m guessing the “Christian” is having trouble enjoying the wholesome fun with the absence of sex-slave auctions.)

Vanboskerck ended with his final message to Disney: “Disney, please return to the values and vision of Walt. The customer experience should be the core of your business model.”

And that brings us to the real issue: White conservatives always assume they’re on the side of popular opinion.

Imagine thinking that the entire customer base of arguably the most famous amusement park in the world is made up of people who think just like you. Apparently, Sean Hannity’s third nipple doesn’t believe progressives, people of color or people who make up what he described as the “Twitter mob” also enjoy Disney World. He even mentioned in his article that these “political decisions” are being made in the interest of profit which—and I’m going to raise my voice here—COULDN’T BE THE FUCKING CASE IF THE CUSTOMERS DIDN’T WANT THE FUCKING CHANGES!

Anyway, as you can imagine, the “Twitter mob” has not been kind to Bill O’Reilly’s spare toupee.

This guy is hilarious:

Caucasity knows no bounds, and I’m amazed that I can still be amazed by it.