Newt Gingrich Is Afraid 'The Left' Will Replace 'Classic Americans' With Immigrants, and I Struggle to See the Problem

By now, we all know what white conservatives think about Critical Race Theory—which is to say, they think nothing of it at all because they have no idea what it is. Ironically, though, white people have their own version of CRT—albeit a version that isn’t backed by data, research or anything academia-related—and it’s known as the “Great Replacement Theory.”

For maybe a decade or so, right-wing pundits, politicians and working-class MAGA-Tea-Party advocates have been weirdly convinced the perceived monolith they call “the Left”—which is really just everyone who isn’t explicitly conservative—have an agenda to let enough brown people in the country that white people will be systematically squeezed out of our borders and out of American culture.

First of all, please don’t threaten us with a good time. Secondly, this is all white supremacist nonsense, and most conservative talking heads probably know it, but invoking race to fire up the base is as American as apple pie and bullets by the case. (I definitely got more bars than Dipset.)

So on Wednesday, former House Speaker Newt Gingrich—whose name is definitely a composite of every insect species from A Bug’s Life (Google won’t confirm this, but I know it’s true)—went on Republican Netflix-and-shrill network Fox News and complained of “the left” and our national white-out campaign.

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“The anti-American left would love to drown traditional, classic Americans with as many people as they can who know nothing of American history, nothing of American tradition, nothing of the rule of law,” Gingrich said. “When you go and look at the radical left, this is their ideal model. It’s to get rid of the rest of us because we believe in George Washington or we believe in the Constitution. You see this behavior over and over again.”

Now obviously, Gingrich was being very careful to use words like “traditional” and “classic Americans,” because coming right out and saying “white people” would make him a white nationalist and white nationalism doesn’t exist—or haven’t you heard?

It’s also funny how Gingrich is essentially claiming non-conservatives “know nothing of American history,” while they’re the ones who are attempting to ban all factual-but-non-MAGA-friendly history into oblivion, and while right-wingers are out here saying silly shit like the three-fifths compromise wasn’t racist, slavery wasn’t racist, the founding of America was flawless and, as a statement of historical fact, “Jesus never condemned slavery.”

Anyway, Gingrich isn’t the only conservative who has recently expressed his fear that whiteness is going out of style in the U.S. Tucker Carlson has gone there. Sen. Ron Johnson (R-Wis.) has gone there. Honorary white person Candace Owens has put a different spin on the narrative by claiming, without evidence and without logic, that Democrats want to open the borders to immigrants so they can replace Black voters.

I guess I’m just not understanding the “replacement” concept here. Where are white people going? Even if there was an intentional effort to open the borders and flood America with immigrants, what does that have to do with the existence of “classic Americans?”

Do…do conservatives think immigrants want to eat white people?

Listen: I’m not into cannibalism at all, but even if I was, I’m not starting with the most spice-less people in America. White people really only have two textures—uncooked and completely sunburned. Plus, white people age like already-aged grapes and I don’t even trust the “manager’s special” at Kroger, so I’m damn sure not going to trust the expiration date on Caucasian meat products.

Oh wait—I guess it’s more logical to assume white conservatives are afraid they’re going to be out-fucked by every non-white race until white people are suddenly a minority. (Which is probably true, but still.)

Wait—minorities aren’t treated unfairly in America, are they?