Dear Therapist: My Mom Ran Up a Ton of Debt Under My Name

First, look at the ways you use the word can’t—you write that you “can’t” go to the police to reclaim your financial identity. Of course, you absolutely can, and while you might want to try something else first, the idea that reclaiming your financial identity is a betrayal of the person who betrayed you is exactly the kind of upside-down logic that martyrs use to turn others into victims too.

Second, you can communicate differently with your mother. Crying and yelling aren’t generally effective approaches, and trying to talk rationally often falls on deaf ears with somebody who distorts reality to remain in the victim position.

Instead of presenting yourself at her mercy—why won’t you pay back the cards? Why can’t you understand how you’ve hurt me?—you can set a boundary that might look like this: “Mom, I know you don’t see how stealing my identity and lying to me in the aftermath have wreaked havoc on my finances and deeply damaged our relationship and my ability to trust you. My greatest hope is that one day you’ll be able to take responsibility for your actions and we’ll be able to repair our relationship. In the meantime, though, I need to repair my credit. To that end, you’ll need to do X or I will report this crime to the police.”

“X” might be “pay such-and-such amount each month” or “borrow or open credit in your own name to pay off my cards in their entirety by such-and-such date.” It might also be “provide the account information so that I can pay off my cards for now, and we will set up a five-year payment plan for you to pay off your debt to me.” Prepare for your mom to turn up the guilt and play the martyr even more—expect cries of helplessness, along with dramatic accusations of ingratitude, lack of love, and (ironically) betrayal. Don’t let this sway you. This is how martyrs reel people in, and as hard as it is to resist the old pattern, you’ll find that doing so gets easier over time.

Best of all, taking these steps will show you what it’s like to be neither victim nor victimized—and this, in turn, will set you on a path for healthier relationships going forward. As unfortunate as it is that this happened, there’s a gift in here, if you’re willing to take hold of it.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

Lori Gottlieb is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles. She is the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.