What Happens In Vegas Stays In Vegas—Unless It's the Greatest Regular Season Overtime Thriller In the History of Ever

The birth of my son was cool and all, but did y’all see that game last night?!?!?!!

Holy fucking shit. I don’t even know where to begin, so we’ll start here:

By default, Monday Night Football is already considered must-see TV. But last night’s anxiety-inducing, emotional rollercoaster between what’s left of the Baltimore Ravens and the Los Angeles Oakland Las Vegas Raiders is the stuff that both legends and exhausting therapy sessions are made of.

The fun began in the fourth quarter, when one of Lamar Jackson’s three fumbles last night set up a 15-yard run for Josh Jacobs that tied the game at 17. Baltimore would soon recapture the lead after Sammy Watkins caught a 49-yard bomb that lead to a touchdown. But then, like a wailing baby at midnight, the Raiders refused to shut the fuck up and go to sleep: Henry Ruggs III caught his own 37-yard bomb, and Las Vegas tied the game up at 24 soon after.

Because of course, they did.

Then, in front of a hysterical Allegiant Stadium crowd of over 60,000—none of whom were even allowed on the premises without providing proof of COVID-19 vaccination, allegedly—this happened:

And with 37 seconds left in the game, Justin Tucker ensured he’ll still be gainfully employed for the foreseeable future by kicking in a 47-yard field goal.

So that’s game over, right?

Ummmm, no.

Did you not read the headline?

Channeling his inner Tom Brady, Derek Carr then proceeded to push the ball down the field with a little help from wide receiver Bryan Edwards. And before you could say “Larry Elder is Ben Carson in blackface and has no business being the governor of California,” Daniel Carlson nailed the field goal with two seconds left in the game and ripped open Pandora’s Box—more commonly known as overtime.

Now would be an opportune time to stretch and catch your breath because it’s pure insanity from here on out. You’ve been warned.

After Hunter Renfrow pulled this inconceivable shit at the beginning of overtime…

On 3rd-and-four, Carr lobbed it to Bryan Edwards aaaaaaaand…

OH SHIT!!! OH SHIT!!! THAT’S GAME!!!!

IT’S OVER!!!!!! THE LORD HEARD MY CRY!!!! THANK YOU, BASED GOD!!!!

I’M GOING TO DISNEYLA—wait a minute! Did the ref just say that that touchdown was under review?! Oh shit. He did! And upon further review, it turns out that after all of that celebrating, the Raiders hadn’t won jack shit. Edwards was actually down at the 1-yard line.

Bruh.

So what happens next?

A failed quarterback sneak, a false start, and an incomplete pass later, Carr tosses it to Willie Snead for the win aaaaaaaaaaand…

An interception?! Nigga, what?!!?!?

It was at that exact moment that every pacemaker in America malfunctioned.

But not to be outdone, instead of marching the ball back down the field for a game-winning drive, Lamar Jackson pissed off our ancestors and somehow ruined Black History Month four months in advance by fumbling the rock.

This, of course, put the Raiders in the perfect position to put Baltimore out of their misery and go for the coup de grâce:

There isn’t enough blood pressure medicine in the world for what happened last night, but it was an honor and a privilege to bear witness to one of the most entertaining Monday Night Football games ever. And of course, Twitter had its own thoughts as well.

The city of Las Vegas couldn’t have received a warmer welcoming than it did last night, considering it was the first time that local fans were able to attend a regular-season game for their new home team. And if this is a sign of things to come this season, it’s about to get super ugly in the AFC West.