What My 18-month-old Teaches About Handling Anti-Vaxxer Truckers

This afternoon, my 18 month-old goes to the doctor to get shots. This triggers my anxiety; I dread the disappointment, fear and helplessness that registers on his face before I betray him by holding him still while the needle goes in.

But one thing’s for certain: my 30-pound lil pig will be less of a baby about taking his shot than the hundreds of truck-driving, anti-vaxxing toddlers currently throwing temper tantrums in their 18-wheelers in Canada, and the ones planning to join them stateside, possibly by interrupting the Super Bowl with a similar “protest”.

If you haven’t heard about these fools yet, I’ll help you. A group of Canadian truckers–which somehow feels oxymoronic despite the fact that Canada definitely has roads, and goods that must be driven over those roads–is upset that they’re required to wear masks if they make runs over the border to the U.S. and back.

In protest, they’ve laid siege to Canada’s capital city, Ottawa, blocking city streets, blaring horns and generally being assholes. They’ve also effectively closed the Ambassador Bridge, the main connection point between Detroit and Windsor, Canada.

And in case you’re still not clear what they hope to accomplish with all this, the Detroit News is here to help.

The city of Windsor on Wednesday said about 100 people are protesting at the bridge. Daily demonstrations are staged by the so-called Freedom Truck Convoy centered in Ottawa, where demonstrators have used hundreds of parked trucks to paralyze parts of the capital for more than 10 days.

Protesters have said they will not leave until all vaccine mandates and COVID-19 restrictions are lifted, and have been calling for weeks for the removal of Trudeau’s government, though most of the restrictive measures were put in place by provincial governments.

Again: a group of Canadian truckers has all but shut down their country’s capital city along with a major border crossing, during a pandemic already marked by higher prices due to a lack of supply of literally everything, all because they don’t want to get shots or wear masks.

If at this point you’re asking why you should care, it’s because these fools now want to do the same thing here in the US, at the Super Bowl no less.

From CBS News

The Department of Homeland Security is warning U.S. law enforcement agencies that a group of truckers is planning a protest of COVID-19 vaccine mandates that could start as soon as this weekend in Los Angeles, site of the Super Bowl.

The bulletin, obtained by CBS News, says the convoy could then head east, perhaps reaching Washington, D.C. in time for President Biden’s State of the Union address on March 1.

The bulletin warns that the convoy “could severely disrupt transportation, federal government, and law enforcement operations through gridlock and potential counterprotests.”

This is unacceptable. Absolutely nothing can be allowed to disrupt this year’s Super Bowl because come Sunday I’m only interested in watching Aaron Donald go full Churchland Street (it’s a Pittsburgh reference, sorry) on Joe Burrow and the spirit of Janet Jackson possessing Dr. Dre, Snoop, Kendrick and Mary as they reblacken the halftime show in her honor. I want to eat wings, scroll the ignorance on my Twitter feed and forget for four hours that I’ll be right back to writing about the NFL’s alleged racism on Monday.

The only baby I want to worry about will be having a snack next to me. I don’t want to be interrupted by some CNN alert about the ones in trucks whining about their FREEDOM! or whatever, because they’re less brave than my 18-month-old will be in the face of a needle a few hours from now.

Which brings me to a possible solution for all of this: pouches of mango-apple-banana-avocado-kale puree from Whole Foods. My son will cry for about 90 seconds before we plug his mouth with one of those little pouches, and then he’ll forget the shot ever happened. No tantrum and definitely no disruption of cross-border commerce, functioning government or major sporting event.

So if that convoy of whining anti-vaxxers does try to disrupt the game, LAPD should have cops on standby to search those trucks for pouches and start handing them out to the babies who drove them there so we can all enjoy the game in peace.