Dear Therapist: My Mom Is Struggling With Serious Depression

The other benefit of seeing a therapist is that you’ll learn more about the dynamics of your family and how those might affect your relationships as you launch into adulthood. For instance, you say that you and your mom have always had a turbulent relationship, but although you may get along well with your dad, I wonder how you came to feel responsible for your mother’s well-being and if, perhaps, your father, the more appropriate person, could have taken on more of that role. Similarly, just because you had ongoing tension with your mom doesn’t mean that your dad didn’t play a role in the family conflict—by recusing himself, for instance, and not getting involved when maybe he should have. The point is not to blame anyone, but instead to bring the three of you closer in a healthy way going forward.

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Notice that I focused on you going to therapy before I got to the question of how to suggest it to your mom, because I wanted to place your needs first and give you some practice thinking that way too. If you do decide to approach your mom about seeing a therapist, you might start by telling her how much you love and care about her, and that you don’t want her to suffer so much. You can normalize her struggles by acknowledging all that has happened in her life in recent months, and how understandably challenging these events have been. You can tell her that not saying anything would feel to you like not being helpful to her, and that the best way you know to be helpful to her is to be open and honest with her. You can explain that you’re there for her, but that you can’t offer her what a therapist would, because you simply don’t have those skills. You can also use humor, something along the lines of, “If you have pain in your chest, you’d probably go to a cardiologist before you had a heart attack—and you wouldn’t want me to be your cardiologist! Same thing with emotional pain.”

Ultimately, though, the best way to help your mom see the value of therapy is to go to therapy yourself. Not only will it serve you well, but you will demonstrate for her a model of a person who values her emotional health and send the message that we all go through difficult times and that when we do, we can empower ourselves by getting the help we deserve.

Dear Therapist is for informational purposes only, does not constitute medical advice, and is not a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis, or treatment. Always seek the advice of your physician, mental-health professional, or other qualified health provider with any questions you may have regarding a medical condition. By submitting a letter, you are agreeing to let The Atlantic use it—in part or in full—and we may edit it for length and/or clarity.

Lori Gottlieb is a contributing writer at The Atlantic and a psychotherapist based in Los Angeles. She is the author of Maybe You Should Talk to Someone.