'Juneteenth is Soooo Lame': Candace Owens Continues to be the Candace Owensiest of All the Candace Owenses in the Sunken Place

Anybody who knows me knows I have no respect for Black conservatives—which is really to say that I hold them generally in the same regard that I hold white conservatives or right-wingers of any race—but Candace Owens is not like the others. None of the other Black lapdogs for white nationalism—not Ben Carson, not Stacey Dash, not Clarence Thomas, not Jason Whitlock (well, maybe Jason Whitlock), not female Amous ‘n’ Andy…I mean, Black Patty and Selma…I mean Diamond and Silk, not Sen. Tim Scott…none of them—feel the need to chime in on every single trending topic involving Blackness just so they can remind their white conservative overseers fans that they are not like those other negroes the way Owens does.

On Thursday, Owens took to Twitter to mistake Juneteenth for her edges, her wigs, her clap backs, her WAPlessness, her Lee Harvey Oswald knowledge, her stupid-ass one-sided feud with LeBron James, her inability to get an RNC invite despite making a career out of GOP lap dancing, her not-so-hot-takes on George Floyd, her book and her talk show which I can’t imagine anyone who’s not sun, spice and washcloth-allergic watches.

“Juneteenth is soooo lame,” Ben Shapiro’s Black woman doppelganger tweeted. “Democrats really need to stop trying to repackage segregation. I’ll be celebrating July 4th and July 4th only. I’m American.”

It’s unclear why Owens thinks celebrating Juneteenth and the Fourth of July have to be mutually exclusive as they are not on the same day or even remotely related in what they commemorate. I believe it was Frederick Douglas who famously said, “What to the slave is the Fourth of July?… Unless we’re talking about Candace’s house negro-ass, because that Stephen-from-Django-ass nigga will probably have the American flag drawn onto her cotton basket. I don’t know why Harriet ain’t shot her ass yet.” (I might be paraphrasing Douglas a bit.)

What is clear is that Owens’ entire schtick is taking every single opportunity she can take to appease white people and antagonize Black people—and she really only succeeds at the former.

Black people don’t give a fuck about Candace Owens. We don’t care about what she thinks about Juneteenth anymore than we cared about her getting her Omarosa-autographed granny-panties all in a bunch over Netflix and Uber Eats having Black categories, which she also laughably called “segregation.” I’m only writing about her now because my job requires me to fill a daily story quota and it’s a holiday so my Black ass is doing easy shit and Candace Owens jokes pretty much write themselves.

Anyway, the fine folks on Twitter had a field day with Owens’ apparent belief that crying white tears might lighten her complexion.

“Perpetual victim mentality.” *rolls eyes*

Has Owens literally ever had an original take on anything? Because everything she’s ever said sounds like a direct quote from the book of Bill O’Reilly on Sean Hannity authored by Tucker Carlson while he was drunk off of Rush Limbaugh booty-juice supplied by Ann Coulter’s spit-bucket.

She’s just sooooo lame.