Lev-ing His Best Life: The 3 Biggest Takeaways From Lev Parnas’ Worldwide 'Take Down the White House' Tour

Turns out that Trump’s fixer Rudy Giuliani also had a fixer named Lev Parnas. Lev Parnas got caught up in some campaign finance fiasco in which he allegedly engaged in a scheme to funnel foreign cash to Republican candidates, which is illegal.

And thank God he (allegedly) did. Because that act got him in trouble and he’s giving up everything. In fact, Lev Parnas is on an “award tour with Muhammad my man, going each and every place with the mic in his hand.” So far, Lev has done an interview with Rachel Maddow, an interview with Anderson Cooper and an interview with the New York Times, in which he snitched on everyone, including Cardi B’s gang affiliation and how Jim Jones lost his New Jersey home.

Below are the three biggest moments from Parnas’ interviews.

1. Devin Nunes—or do you mean Devin Knew-nes? 

Devin Nunes (R-Calif.) is a cold bitch. What does that have to do with anything? Well, it doesn’t, but I just needed to get that out. Now that we have established who we are talking about, think about this: Nunes said he couldn’t recall talking to Lev Parnas, and that he needed to go through his phone records to see if he recalled talking to Parnas.

This was bullshit then and it’s bullshit now. Nunes knows good and well who Parnas is and phone records weren’t going to jog his memory. According to Parnas during his interview with Maddow—which might go down as the best interview of 2020 (I’m calling it now)—Parnas told Maddow that Nunes not only knows him but that he worked directly with Nunes’ top aide, Derek Harvey.

Listen to Parnas explain his relationship with Knew-nes, because he absolutely knew what was going on.

Now think about this: Knew-nes is the ranking Republican (i.e. the leader of his party) on the House Intelligence Committee, which led the impeachment investigation, knowing that he’d been in contact with Giuliani’s fixer, who was working behind the scenes to get dirt on the Bidens and their dealings, or non-dealings, with Ukraine.

Here’s the kicker: After viewing an early clip of Maddow’s interview with Parnas, in which Giuliani’s fixer makes it abundantly clear that he knows Knew-nes, the spineless shit-sack made an appearance on Fox News in which he miraculously remembers that he does, in fact, remember speaking to a man named Parnas, whose first name may have been Lev, but then downplays those conversations.

Oh, and get this: Knew-nes’ lawyer threatened to sue Rep. Ted Lieu (D-Calif.) if he didn’t apologize for claiming that Knew-nes and Parnas were in cahoots.

2. Parnas just Mahalia’d on errbody.

Off-camera, Parnas reportedly asked for a pack of Virginia Slim 100s and a coffee. As anyone who has been reading me for some time knows, these are the ingredients requested right before someone goes full Vandross.

In short, Parnas noted that Trump knew everything and Rudy Giuliani was his point man and often vouched for Parnas, claiming he was on official U.S. business during his Ukraine trips. Parnas even gave up Vice President Mr. Roboto Mike Pence, “noting that he’d cancel a planned trip for [Ukrainian President Volodymyr] Zelensky’s inauguration unless the incoming Ukrainian government announced it would investigate the Bidens.” And the next day, Pence made good on his threat and canceled his trip.

Parnas also blasted Evil Fred Flintstone, aka Attorney General William Barr.

As Esquire brilliantly puts it:

“Mr. Barr absolutely knew everything,” Parnas said, before offering an aside. “I mean, It’s impossible [that he didn’t].”

But then he doubled down: “Attorney General Barr was basically on the team.” Everyone knew about the Ukraine operation, and everyone—including the Ukrainians—knew it was about ratfucking Biden.

If you’re keeping score at home, this henchman just roped in the President of the United States, the vice president, the attorney general, and of course, the president’s personal lawyer.

And don’t forget Devin Knew-nes!

3. Lev could’ve worked part-time as an IG model. 

This nigga Lev took photos with everyone! He was out here Lev-ing his best life; Lev is not going back and forth with you niggas. The only thing Lev didn’t do was hawk flat-tummy tea or offer 15 percent discount codes for Fashion Nova on the ’gram, but he could’ve because he kept his photo game tight.

Here’s a goddamn photo montage of Lev and all the Trumps:

And another one:

Trump’s most disheveled blonde bugle-horn, Kellyanne Conway, went on CNN and claimed she doesn’t know Lev and she might not, but that didn’t stop Lev from getting a photo with the walking dead herself.